Friday Story- Popular vs. Friendship

Popular vs. Friendship

Posted: 10/16/2012

This is not a thing I like to share because, well, this is something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I'm fat, like, not really fat but I do not have the body most girls would like to have. My first whole year of elementary I got called by names and it was not pretty, you could say I was getting bullied, I hate it that they called me fat, I just couldn't stand it, I had friends, but i wasn't enough.

A year later my friend, Luz, enter my school and I was so happy someone like me was there, but then the weirdest thing happened, I was with the in-crowd, the popular crowd, the one place I thought I could never be a part of. But there was a price. There always Is. It was lunch and Luz had already made a friend so I sat with the group, that's when I heard the comments they were saying, I might have been their target last year but this year..... It was HER. They were calling her awful names, names they used to call me, one of them say it so loud the WHOLE classroom heard, they started laughing. I was shocked. She started crying and left, and they were watching me, expectantly, like I might go after her. A true friend would. She would have gone after her careless of the world. That's the thing. I didn't. I laughed.

3rd grade I was on the top. My life changed. But not hers. She was alone, and I just watched the whole time like....like.... I didn't care. I saw what she went through, what I went through and I didn't do anything. She left. She hated me.

I'm in 8th grade now and I tell you that being a bystander and doing nothing to help another victim is awful, the sad truth is that I was bullying somehow. By not doing anything to stop it I was an attacker. Everything I went through was awful, but what she went through is worse. I hate myself for not stoping them, but you can do it, if you have a friend being bullied or you just see someone you don't know being bullied, don't hesitate on saying something.

Friendship is more important than anything. And loyalty more.

Random Act of Kindness Tuesday- Friendship

"But, Viking Mom! She's my friend!"

"Sweetheart, friends don't hurt thier friends or say unkind words to their friends."

But, Viking Mom, she always says those things."

"Sweetheart, true BFFs do not play around with words like, 'if you don't do this I won't be your friend.' That is mean and unkind."

Raise your hand if you have had similar conversations with your children?

I was completely flabbergasted when Viking Lady Bug came home in tears one day telling me that her "friend" won't be her friend if she wasn't invited to her birthday part. This particular girl has a routine of walking up to classmates and bullying them into being their friends.

I am not sure if I handled the situation with my daughter correctly. My mind went into protection mode. This being the month of National Bullying Prevention Month I have been reading a several inspirational stories about how students and adults have overcome bullying situations. A current theme in all of these stories was the power of friendship. 

We take it for granite the friends we have in our lives. But, what is a friend? 

According to Wikipedia:

"Friendship is a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. Friendships and acquaintanceship are thought of as spanning across the same continuum. The study of friendship is included in the fields of sociology, social psychology, anthropology, philosophy, and zoology. Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, including social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles.

The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positively strong, deep, close reciprocity, mutuality — equal give-and-take between the two parties
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement"

This definition seems so clinical but in honesty these are qualities of a good friend. 

In my classroom I have worked with Autistic students about the qualities of a good friend. We have discussed what a toxic friend is and how that is a form of bullying. One of my students coined the phrase, "Energy Vampires." These "friends" suck the energy out of someone without taking the time to reciprocate the emotions or energies. 

In one of the Inspirational stories I read on the Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Month a young survivor of bullying credits his solid friendship with his friend for helping him struggle through the emotional roller coaster of the incident. 

Now, that is a sign of a true friend. 

Bless Bless

Teens Against Bullying and Friday's Story

It is always an inspiration to me to see students step up and take on a cause. This month is National Bullying Prevention Month. I have been using information and ideas from a website called Pacer's.

On the Pacer site is a link for teens and children on how they can also prevent bullying in their schools. Click here for the resource link.

A Parent's Perspective on Bullying:

A Parent Advocates Perspective

Posted: 10/16/2012

"Do you believe everything happens for a reason?" she asked. I looked at her long hair strewn over my pillow. My pulse quickened a little, sensing the pain behind the question.
"Are you asking whether all this school bullying will come to some good?" I clarified.
"Yeah," she said softly.
"Well, I believe a lot of things happen because of people's choices--yours, and theirs. But OUR decisions and our responses to those choices are what make up the outcomes. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, I think so."

For a couple years, the bedtime snuggle tradition I share with my older daughter has often been heartbreaking. It's when I hear of the exclusion, insults, clothing critiques, daily lewd gestures, fat thigh lists, shoving, being hit in the privates with a paper, whisper campaigns and more she's experienced at school. A few social leaders started treating her poorly, and it has eventually spread to even her closest friends being unwilling to be her friend in public. The few who occasionally stood up to her had to deal with the wrath of the bullies. One of her last allies switched sides only last week. She's heartbreakingly generous in her assessment of some of these former friends: "They're just trying to survive fifth grade too." She has had sleep problems, hour-long crying jags, uncharacteristically defiant behavior at thome, lack of motivation, refusal to get dressed in the morning, and more.

We are working with her teacher and a wonderful therapist to encourage assertiveness. She's scared to death to engage with her classmates assertively, for fear of escalation. But I'm convinced that until she demonstrates a certain willingness to defend or counterattack, very little will change. Sometimes, when she wants to say something in defense of herself, she finds herself panicked and mute.

She calls her depressive episodes "being stuck." So far, they have lasted only days or weeks. But she and I have both been terrified at times that they will become more serious. Rule-abiding girls don't often lash out, but rather in: In my darker moments, I know that she is at risk for self-injurious behaviors, eating disorders, addictions, and more. My husband and I try to provide lots of affection and encouragement when we are with her. But will it be enough to counteract the 30-plus hours in a hostile peer environment?

I have written enough emails to the school to fill a small book. We have had two meetings with staff. The emails fell largely on deaf ears to one teacher; another has responded in very helpful ways. We have a couple strong advocates in the building now. One student's family has had to come to school to address his behavior, and since, he can't stop talking about how stupid the anti-bullying efforts are. His mom does the same thing in the hall, in front of my daughter, although she did not voice objections at the official school meeting on the topic.

Why is my daugher in particular a victim? It's hard to say. Because bullies need victims.  She's more sensitive to others' feelings as well as her own than most people. She's less willing to follow the crowd than others, in her dress and behavior. She's better read than almost anyone her age. She's stood up for other kids being bullied. She's had to wear orthotics to school at one point. She has vivid, striking hair. She's smart, and although she doesn't brag as some boys do, she doesn't try to hide it as many of the girls do, either.

She is only 10. And she has seen far more of the dark side of people's social behavior than many adults. She's doing her best, and we're doing our best to advocate for her. We participated in a PACER Center anti-bullying walk, and she enjoyed seeing hundreds of people who understand we're not just imagining this horrible experience--just trying to deal with it the best she can. Does everything happen for a reason? I don't think it's all so grandiose and predetermined. I still think a couple brave bystanders could turn this around any week now.

Random Act of Kindness-Bullying

October is Bullying Prevention Month. 

There are many ways to prevent bullying. However, once someone is bullied the emotional toll they experience can be devastating. A random act of kindness can mean the world to someone who has experienced bullying. 

Share your acts of kindness!

Here are some ideas:

- send a supportive text or Facebook message to a friend who's been bullied

- sit with someone at lunch who is usually left out

- volunteer at a community centre or charity

- holding open a door for someone

The smallest acts of kindness and support can make the biggest difference in a person's life - especially if they've been bullied and are feeling down. Lets spread our message of kindness, respect and generosity.

Random Act of Kindness will also stop bullying. 

Bullying- Hot Topic!!

I have been wanting to post something about bullying for some time. But, I have not found the words to really eloquently write about the topic. 

As a teacher I deal with bullying on a daily basis. It breaks my heart to watch students deal with the emotional impact that "teasing" creates. I have had the displeasure of sitting on an expulsion board and re-tell in graphic detail the bullying a student of mine experienced at the hands of an older student. 

Bullying also is an issue we deal with on the Viking Homestead. The Viking Kiddos have also experienced bullying and it breaks my heart to watch the confusion and hurt on their face. It also pisses me off!

I have also been a victim of bullying. Yes, Viking Mom in all her confidence has also experienced bullying. 

Bullying is a learned behavior. It starts at the home. It is not an opinion or "freedom of speech."

"Bullying is the use of force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others. The behavior can be habitual and involve an imbalance of social or physical power. It can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target"." 
~ Wikipedia

There are over 83,700,000 results on the word "bullying."

How does one stop bullying and teach "self defense" to love ones?

As much as I would love to go "All A-Viking" on some of the bullies out there it is not legal nor does it really stop the problem. 

There are two Middle Schools in our Humble Little Town. They have two seriously polar opposites ways of dealing with bullying. 

School A:  Bullying happens. It is illegal. Lets meet the County Sheriff and the County District Attorney and learn about how illegal bullying is. And here is a form to report the crime. 

School B: Bullying is happens and it is illegal. But, bullies win when they take the targets power away. The school teaches empowerment and self esteem building. A student's strong self esteem and empowerment will encourage them to stand up to the bully and also report the crime. 

Empowerment! Taking the power back from the bullies... These all resonated with me when I watched this video. 

Empowerment!

"Do Not Let a Bully Determine Your Self Worth!"

Please share this..... Take back the power from the bully!!